The secret behind making a marriage work - Sri Sri Ravishankarji
August 12, 2012
Bangalore, India
There is a connection between Emotion, Sound and Raga (melody).
The last bhajan that was sung had the Jogiya Raga. You cannot associate this raga to Radha. If you say, ‘Shiva, Shiva’, it can be associated with the Raga of dispassion.
Once somebody was invited to a marriage reception and was requested to sing. He started to sing (in Kannada), ’Why did you leave the body and go, dear soul? Is this death justified?’ Does this song suit the occasion?
You cannot sing any song anywhere. The Emotion and Raga must match.
The secret for women – you
should never step on the ego
of your man.
The secret for men – A man
should never step on the
emotions of a woman.
For both of you – Don’t ask
proof of the other person’s
love for you. Don’t say, ’You
don’t love me’, and things
like that.
Our life is similar to this. The river of life is flowing but instead of focusing on moving ahead, we keep going backwards.
You may have observed that at certain points in a flowing river, if there is an obstruction, the flow is backwards. And wherever the flow is backwards, dirt accumulates there. The water that flows forward is clean.
Similarly, if we keep moving ahead, there is pleasantness in the mind. If we keep on thinking about the past, our mind becomes a mess. This is my opinion. What do you say?
No one is asking any questions today! This can only be due to two reasons. One is if you know everything. The other is if you cannot understand even one word that I am saying (since Gurudev was speaking in Kannada). Which situation are you in?
Audience: When we see you, we forget all questions!
That is good.
Q: What is the secret behind making a marriage work?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: I think you are asking the wrong person!
There was a gentleman here from Germany and a lady from Italy. Both of them had married several times before. They came here and said, ‘Gurudev, we want your blessings. At least this marriage should work.’
I asked the gentleman if he knew Italian and he said no. I asked the lady if she knew German and she said no. Both of them did not know English. I said, ‘Don’t learn each others language then it will work!’
There is a proverb in Kannada which says, ‘It is only through words that conflicts begin. It is only through words that people have fun. It is only through words that people gain wealth. So, words should be used sparingly.’
Usually, when people have some misunderstanding, they say, ‘Let us talk it out.’
The talk it out does not work at all. We should never talk it out. Just move on, that’s it! Don’t sit and discuss the past. Don’t ask any explanation about the past. When a mistake happens, it happened, that’s it. You should move on.
Just imagine yourself in a position where you do a mistake and someone keeps asking for an explanation about your mistake. It is such a burden to explain to somebody or to justify oneself, right?
Never make the other person feel guilty. This is very important. Anyone whom you make to feel guilty will cease to be your friend somewhere deep inside. The bond of friendship gets loosened.
There is a skill in making a person aware of his mistake without making him feel guilty.
However, the normal tendency in human beings is to make someone feel guilty and then feel happy about it. We have to rise above this normal tendency, and not make someone feel guilty. Then, your relationship will be longstanding.
There is one secret for women and one for men. Maybe this will work if you think about it. For women, you should never step on the ego of your man.
The whole world may say to a gentleman that he has no brains, but the wife should never say that. She should always say, ‘You are the most intelligent person on the planet. Just the fact that you don’t use your brain does not mean you don’t have it!’
She should always pump his ego. This is very much essential.
If the lady keeps telling her partner, ‘You are good for nothing. You are a vegetable’, he will really become one!
Now, the secret for men – A man should never step on the emotions of a woman. She may complain to you about her brother, or mother, or family, but you should not join the bandwagon. The moment you start nodding at her complaint, she will turn around. Instead of dwelling on her complaints, she will complain about you. She will start turning the wheel around.
And if she wants to go for some religious program, pilgrimage, movie or shopping, just agree and give her the credit card!
So, if you don’t step on the emotion of a woman, everything will be fine.
Never make the other
person feel guilty.
Anyone whom you make
to feel guilty will cease to
be your friend somewhere
deep inside. The bond of
friendship gets loosened.
There is a skill in making a
person aware of his mistake
without making him feel
guilty.
Now for both of you – Don’t ask proof of the other person’s love for you.
Don’t ask, ’Do you really love me?’ Never give the burden to someone to prove his or her love for you. Do you see what I am saying?
If you find their love for you is less, you should say, ’Why do you love me so much?’ Don’t say, ’You don’t love me’, and things like that.
Q: If someone provokes us, should we keep quiet or teach them a lesson? If we keep quiet then they consider it as a weakness, and if we teach them a lesson, they say that we have not grown spiritually.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: To teach someone a lesson, you should be calm. If you have anger, if you are disturbed, you cannot teach someone a lesson.
At the same time, you cannot keep turning the other cheek all the time.
Teach the lesson, but with compassion. This will give you strength.
When you have understood the position of a person and why they are provoking you, you will deal with them with a calm and serene mind.
Q: How do we tackle people who constantly spread negativity around us?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: First of all, know that nobody can constantly spread negativity. Second, deal with it with skill.
Third is to ignore.
Q: Can you please explain, how should I deal with this situation? I love a person unconditionally but that person takes me for granted. How do I deal with that pain?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Oh, they take you for granted? They don’t love you back? They don’t express their love to you, is that the problem? Well, do not question their love.
If you find that they are not being loving, instead of accusing them saying, ‘You do not love me’, ask them, ‘Why do you love me so much?’
Just imagine, if someone keeps accusing you, saying you are not kind to them, you are not pleasant with them, you are not friendly, what happens to you?
(Answer: We feel we are being nagged)
Yes! Now do you know what you are doing to the other person? Got it?
Nobody wants to be in the company of a person who complains all the time.
Does anybody want to be in the company of a person who nags you, and to whom you have to explain and give proof of your love all the time? No! It is such a burden, such boredom!
A good company is one who always uplifts the spirit. If somebody is not in a good mood, they say, ‘Hey, come on! Forget about it. Let’s move on.’
Someone who has enthusiasm, someone who always pushes you forward is good company. Someone who asks for explanations, doubts and questions you is not good company.
So never doubt someone’s love for you. Never question or complain all the time. Move on!
Q: There are many organizations that teach Yoga and Meditation in India, including The Art of Living. If we are all working for the same cause, which is to bring peace to mankind, then why are all these organizations so different?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Listen, people of the same intention will always be together. Though they do it in different ways, there is no conflict since the cause is the same.
You know, the spirit loves diversity.
When I went to Pakistan, people asked me why do we have so many Gods in India? There should be only one God.
I told them, ’Why do you have so many varieties of dishes made from the same wheat?
God has created so many vegetables. He did not make only egg plant and say, ‘Eat this all your life.’ See how many varieties of vegetables and fruits the Divine has created, isn’t it? That is how! In India there are many Gods, but only one Paramatma (Supreme Consciousness). One God is in so many different names and forms. That is celebration.’
Someone who has
enthusiasm, someone who
always pushes you forward
is good company. Someone
who asks for explanations,
doubts and questions you is
not good company. So never
doubt someone’s love for you.
Never question or complain
all the time. Move on!
See how many colors everybody is wearing over here. If everybody was in one uniform this would appear like a military camp! Got it?
Variety is the beauty of creation and we must honor that.
They loved it a lot when I said this and they said, ‘Nobody has explained it to us like this before!’
Q: A person believes in God but cheats and robs. Another does not believe in God but never cheats. Who is right?
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: You have already given the answer!
It is like asking me, ‘I have kept coal in one plate and butter in another. What would you like?’ It is so clear.
If someone believes in God, how can he cheat others? I don’t understand this.
It could also be that his conscience would be pricking him badly for cheating others and he could be asking God for forgiveness.
A person who cheats is stuck in ignorance. There is no vastness. There is fear in him somewhere and that is why he does things like that.
Q: One of my friends has gone insane. He works 24X7. His parents don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: I see this happening a lot nowadays. There is so much peer pressure, pressure to perform well in exams. So they keep reading so much day and night.
A youth came and told me that he reads with four big lamps focused on his table and he studies day and night. We need to care of the brain. You cannot overuse the brain like that. Then suddenly something happens and the fuse goes off!
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